Death is the ultimate calling. To be ready for death is to face death without fear. For as long as cancer and some other serious predicaments mean sure death sooner or later, they should be treated with complete acceptance. It is God's way of finding out how gracious one can be in the face of these predicaments. Concealing it is part of the whole act of completing one's cross. The pain that goes with it should complete the sacrifice. Because life should be more of sacrifice. It is the art of life. I do not want to ruin my family's finances for a useless effort of saving a hopeless situation. I'd better hang up my gloves and show my wares. These could be the biggest points for salvation-sparing my loved ones of the pain they could undergo from seeing me in pain. Seeing them in pain could only double the pain. So bearing the pain could be just the most noble thing to do.

It is just an idealism that I hope to achieve. I do not mean to impose on other people. I know it is next to impossible. I know how much pain goes with cancer. That is why I am making it a goal. I have very low threshold for pain. But with enough determination, I hope to overcome pain till my death. Of course it is a different story if it is one of my loved ones who would be inflicted. I would do everything to save a loved one. They will do the same thing if they find out that I am sick. That is why concealing it is crucial.

For those cancer patients who have the means to undergo treatment, good luck to you. You have all the chance to get well. You deserve to get well. Mine is just a personal battle. An opportunity to make my life more meaningful. An opportunity for self mortification. I think this is my only entry to heaven. My only way to pay for my sinfulness. Again, do not mind me. I am just a sinner trying to win God's favor. I have experienced seeing two siblings pass away because of cancer. I do not wish to undergo chemotherapy. I think it is an empty promise.